Jazmyn Mitchell

If They Wanted To, They Would

“Remember everyone: if they wanted to, they would.”

I think if I hear one more person say this, I just might jump into oncoming traffic. From the edge of a bridge. That I landed on after already launching myself from a helicopter.

Social media is so deluged with overly analytical, overly aggressive, and overly cynical dating advice under the guise of “helping you know your worth.” If you are a woman (men seem to avoid the suffocating web of dating tips, those lucky bastards), every fifth video that pops up on your TikTok For You page is likely one of a 25-30-year-old woman pushing foundation into her skin and telling you that the man you’re currently seeing actually hates you. Whether that hatred is so apparently shown through a text that goes unanswered for a few hours, date nights that he doesn’t plan, or flowers he doesn’t give you, it is nonetheless incredibly obvious (to everyone but you, of course) that this man wants nothing to do with you. In fact, you would be an idiot not to swipe out of the app and block him on every avenue of communication. Posthaste, please, and don’t you dare waver on this. 

To make matters worse, now there are men speaking to us directly on the same topic, only they’re much, much more aggressive about it. Now women are finding out that the men we’re planning futures with don’t picture us in theirs at all. We’re hearing it from all sides: our romantic interests don’t actually like us. If they did, we’d know.

But here’s the thing: are people as malicious with their intentions as that 25-year-old on TikTok with her impeccable makeup insists they are?

They certainly could be. I would never argue against that. But I really don’t think most are.

Remember that nice-enough guy you met at the bar, the one to whom you gave your number? He texted you the next day when you were hungover beyond functionality, so you told yourself you’d text him later, and then later never came? That one. Did you hate him? Probably not. Did you prioritize yourself and your time over him because it’s what you needed in the moment? Yeah. Do you remember him every-so-often and feel a fleeting twinge of guilt? More than likely.

Everyone has a story like this. It’s innocent, and we didn’t have bad intentions. It floats around in our minds, and it’s not like we didn’t want to talk to them. We wanted to, but we didn’t. And that’s why “if they wanted to, they would” isn’t definitive, and it’s certainly not very understanding.

A lack of prioritization often does equate to a lack of interest. And sometimes (many times, even), that will be very evident. But a lack of interest doesn’t always mean that there’s no future ahead. Sometimes, people’s interest builds over time. Much of the dating advice that circulates social media operates on the foundational principle that dating someone HAS to mean that you are fully set on them, to the point where you’re absolutely certain they’re worth your time. And that just isn’t always true. No matter how much a person holds your interest initially, they are still just a stranger to you, and it’s not insane to imagine that a stranger will be relatively low on the list of things you need to consider. 

I’m not saying that someone doesn’t have to make time for you if they’re interested. Because chances are, if someone is interested, yes, they will make the time to talk to you. But there is much more nuance to dating. “If they wanted to, they would” is advice that is thrown around entirely too loosely. Sure, it is a blanket statement, because, yes, if you are on the top of someone’s priority list, they will make sure they take the time to woo you. But it isn’t the unequivocal unit in measuring someone’s interest. It’s a loose guideline, something to keep in your back pocket, and definitely something that will hold great relevance later on. But if you’ve known someone for less than a week, this tip alone shouldn’t decide your feelings for a person and whether or not you should keep talking to them. 

Yes, it’s important to know your worth. It’s important that your dating life is in constant alignment with your personal standards and expectations. If you have a rule that someone has to ask you on a date within 3 days of talking, then stay true to yourself. You should never sacrifice your values.

But if you’re not particularly disheartened by how long it takes that new guy in your life to respond, don’t let someone tell you it’s the brightest red flag and that you need to immediately nix him out of your life. Interest is something that grows; it’s not always an instant thing. Sometimes, people need time. Some of my best relationships have grown from uncertainty. If I always abided by “if he wanted to, he would,” I would’ve missed out on so many amazing moments with so many amazing people. 

There are definitely areas where this adage will come to your rescue. I’m not attesting to its utility–when you need to hear it, you need to hear it. But when it’s so loosely thrown around, we’ll find ourselves throwing away perfectly good people who need time to know that you’re the one. And, again, if that’s one of your standards–if you need someone to be completely sure about you–that’s okay. But realistically, it won’t always be like that. And that’s okay, too. 

So yes, if they wanted to, they would. But also, sometimes they’ll want to, and they won’t. And sometimes they won’t want to, and they will. People are temperamental, and dating is weird. Do what you want with who you want. And don’t let TikTok be the reason your “blocked contacts” list is full.